Newsletter #2: June 2025
Hi friends,
It’s June, and things are growing. I’ve been so thrilled to see the fig trees begin to bud here in Mount Pleasant DC, and to be with the days as they stretch out longer and longer. This month’s newsletter is growing, too ~ you’ll find a few guest columns we’re especially excited to share. If you feel inspired to send in your own missive for a future edition, please reach out ~ we’d love to hear from you.
In that same spirit of expansion, our steering committee has also started connecting with other death collectives around the country to learn how they’re building and sustaining their communities. These conversations have been rich. We’re also turning inward and asking for your feedback as we shape what’s next together. Planting seeds, rooting down, growing up: ‘tis the season.
In terms of getting together offline, we’re especially looking forward to Gays & Graves at the Historic Congressional Cemetery on June 21st, where we’ll be tabling with a banner (!), stickers (!!), and our smiling faces. Come by, say hi, and stay a while.
A special acknowledgement, too, for Pride month. Of course, we’re out here celebrating joy, life, and love of all stripes ~ and also balancing that with some heavy grief. Grief for who we’ve lost, for what hasn’t changed, for what’s at risk, for what still feels so far away. We’re holding all of it this month ~ and holding each other in it, too.
With care,
Robin Miniter, Co-Founder of The DC Death Collective
NOTES FROM THE FIELD: What I’ve learned from running death cafes
by Laura Lyster-Mensh, Co-Founder and DCDC Steering Committee Member
I was quite nervous the first time I attended a death cafe. Was I up to such a weighty topic? What kind of people would be there? Would it be too pained, too sad to bear?
That was the first thing death cafes taught me: that these are kind and generous gatherings. The topic is challenging, but we are there to do the same thing together: to connect and listen and grow.
The second lesson was how often we laugh. Facing a taboo topic with strangers gives way to humor and wonder. It is shared laughter. And when there are tears, they are honored and shared.
My first death cafe experience was years ago, and now I help host a death cafe every month at Congressional Cemetery. I have attended and also facilitated many others now, online and in person throughout the DC area. Once, memorably, I facilitated an evening cafe in a community garden lit by fairy lights.
I was nervous at first, but I have learned that I can both host and facilitate and, like Dorothy I just needed to believe I could. Death cafes can be organized by anyone, by design.
I have gained courage and comfort in my own relationship with my mortality, and learned ideas and insights from others.
I have learned the power of silence, too. My tip for facilitators is to have courage to let there be as long an awkward silence at the beginning as possible. That silence seems to let everyone there know the space is for all and they need not worry there won’t be time for what they want to share. The silence makes the room lean in.
Laura Lyster-Mensh is a death doula, writer, tap dance enthusiast
WHAT WE’RE READING
by Ali Brill, DCDC Steering Committee Member
This month, our Memento Mori Book Club finished reading When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi’s beautifully written memoir and legacy project. We gathered at local cocktail bar and community gathering space Kbird to discuss it, and I think we all felt deeply honored to be trusted with Paul’s story. His reflections sparked such a rich conversation about how we locate our values and what makes life worth living.
One quote that especially stayed with us (spoiler alert!) was when Paul’s wife, Lucy, asked him, “Don’t you think saying goodbye to your child will make your death more painful?” And Paul replied, “Wouldn’t it be great if it did?” (p. 143). That line gutted us in the best way. We also found Lucy’s epilogue incredibly moving.
If you’re curious but haven’t read the whole book, you can find a short excerpt here, and Lucy’s epilogue here.
Next up: Megan Devine’s It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. We’ll be gathering again in August, and we’d love for you to join us. Drop me a line and I will send you the invite!
Ali Brill leads the Memento Mori Book Club in Takoma Park, MD, and Washington, DC
NOTES FROM THE FIELD: Voluntary Assisted Dying (VAD) in Switzerland
by Sam Stebbens, DCDC Steering Committee Member
As people living with a focus on both life and death, you may have wondered—or been asked—about “going to Switzerland to die.” This brief update offers a starting point to help you answer that question, for yourself and for others. For a more detailed guide, we recommend The Switzerland Alternative, an excellent online resource.
So, what makes Switzerland different from Medical Aid in Dying (MAID) in the United States?
In eleven states—Delaware just joined—and in Washington, DC, adults can access MAID if they have a terminal illness, are expected to die within six months, and have the mental capacity to make medical decisions. Vermont and Oregon no longer have residency requirements, meaning that people from out of state—or even other countries—can travel there if they meet the criteria. Compassion & Choices is a great resource for more information on these laws.
But what if you're dying and have more than six months to live? Or if you’re not terminally ill, but your life has become intolerably disabling? In these cases, and if you have about $15,000, you may be able to travel to Switzerland to access Voluntary Assisted Dying (VAD).
The Swiss approach to VAD does not require someone to be terminally ill or to have a prognosis of six months or less. Rather, their legal framework emphasizes the right of individuals to end their lives if the quality of that life has become unendurable and there is no meaningful chance of improvement. Adults may be eligible if they are living with a condition that will eventually lead to death, or an incapacitating disability, or ongoing unbearable pain.
There are around six organizations in Switzerland that offer VAD. Two of them serve only Swiss residents, one has stopped accepting new applications, and another is quite small. That leaves two main options for non-Swiss applicants: Dignitas and Pegasos.
Dignitas, founded in 1998 and based in Zurich, has an international focus and a more restrictive acceptance policy. It uses oral medication and costs around 11,000 Swiss Francs. Pegasos, founded in 2019 and based in Basel, was created with English-speaking applicants in mind. It has the most inclusive acceptance criteria, uses intravenous medication, and costs around 10,000 Swiss Francs.
Both organizations require the individual to take the medication themselves—either by drinking it or by pressing a switch that activates the IV. From what we understand, both groups have procedures in place to accommodate physical limitations, so this is rarely a barrier, even for someone living with quadriplegia. The application and VAD process is multi-step and often takes three to six months to complete.
Considering VAD can raise a host of personal, ethical, legal, religious, and societal questions. This summary barely scratches the surface. If you are exploring this option, please consult with medical, psychological, legal, ethical, or spiritual professionals—and above all, talk with those who love you.
Sam Stebbens is an experienced Hospice volunteer, an INELDA-trained end-of-Life doula, a trained inter-spiritual companion, a retired family practice and public health physician, and a grandfather, father, son, husband, and faithful pet caretaker
MEMBER SPOTLIGHT
by Susan Wright, DCDC Steering Committee Member
Meet Ali Brill! She is our DC Death Collective Member Highlight of the Month! In addition to being a steering committee member of DCDC, she also founded a local Memento Mori Book Club.
1. What brought you to the DCDC?
When the Green Death Care Options Act passed in Maryland in 2024, I began feverishly reaching out to make connections in the deathcare sphere. Through these connections (specifically Laura), I encountered the DC Death Collective. My heart has been glowing ever since, and I feel so lucky to have crossed paths with these amazing individuals.
2. Where do you feel most called to contribute either with DCDC or in the death care space?
Like many, I assume, my interests keep branching. I'm most passionate about the intersections of environmentalism and deathcare. My thoughts mostly surround post-mortem care and death education/community building.
3. What is one myth or misconception about death or death work you would like to debunk?
I think what I most like to shatter are any restrictive thoughts around death, dying, and grief. I’ve found it liberating to know that grief shows up in many different ways. I’ve seen this to be true in deathwork more broadly as well — there are tears, anger, and also laughter...
4. What’s the most meaningful advice you’ve ever received about living well—and how has it shaped the way you show up in your life or work?
It's so funny - I've studied philosophy, I read books on death, dying, and living well, and the one thing that is standing out to me right now is a quote on a fridge magnet. There's a magnet on my aunt's fridge that says, "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." I know this is meant to be a silly quip, but as a COMPULSIVE cleaner/tidier, it reminded me that I have agency over my time and choices (as much as we actually do have agency over these things). I check in more often now and consider if X is what I want to be doing with my precious time, or if I'm doing it out of compulsion, guilt, etc.
5. What’s something about you most people wouldn’t expect?
I think most people (not in this crew) are surprised by my interest in death and deathwork. I'm young(ish), goofy, and smiley - but young, goofy, and smiley people experience (and think about) death and loss too!!!
6. What does self care look like for you?
Waking up slow on a Saturday morning, meandering to the farmer's market, gettin' me a fresh almond croissant, and wandering with no time limit.
7. DEATH DECK WILD CARD: Lucky You: You get to relive one day in your life before you die. Which one would it be?
My dad died in 2021. In 2020, he came to visit me while I was living in Portland, ME. We went to the beach and I squeezed him into his old wetsuit so that he could body surf. He had just recovered from back surgery... I'd do it again.
If you are interested in becoming our next Member Highlight, please reach out: SusanWright@DyingDoneWright.com.
Susan Wright is an INELDA-trained death doula and lives at the intersection of where memento mori meets memento party
UPCOMING EVENTS
Song bath with the Threshold Choir
Saturday, June 14, 2025 | 2:00–3:00 PM
Bluebird Sky Yoga, 3101 12th St NE, Washington, DC
Bluebird Sky Yoga is honored to host a gentle musical offering from the Threshold Singers of Washington, D.C. — part of the international Threshold Choir, whose volunteers sing at life’s tender thresholds.
This free afternoon event is a chance to pause and be held in song. Come for one song or the whole hour. You can listen, sing, or lie back and receive a “song bath,” where the energy of the singers is focused directly on you.
Mats, bolsters, and blankets will be available to make yourself comfortable. Afterward, you’re invited to stay for tea and informal community time.
The Threshold Singers offer their voices at no cost for those in times of transition—whether at the end of life or navigating a personal crossroads. Their music is spiritual but not religious, aiming simply to comfort, soothe, and connect.
To learn more about the Threshold Singers of DC or to support their work, email ThresholdSingersDC@gmail.com or visit thresholdchoir.org/DC.
DCDC at Gays & Graves: A Big Gay Festival
Saturday, June 21, 2025 | 11:00 AM–4:00 PM
Congressional Cemetery, Washington, DC
Come celebrate Pride with the DC Death Collective at Gays & Graves, a vibrant, joyful day that honors LGBTQ+ history, creativity, and collective care. Members Leslie Tolf and Robin Miniter will be at our booth! Swing by and explore the outdoor market, and take in the programming hosted in the historic chapel — spotlighting the legacies of queer pioneers laid to rest at Congressional.
Learn more about the legacy of the “Gay Corner” here
Death Cafe at Congressional Cemetery
Thursday, July 3; Thursday, August 7; September 4th, 2025 | 6:00–7:30 PM Historic Congressional Cemetery Chapel, 1801 E St SE, Washington, DC
An intimate monthly gathering to talk openly about death over tea and sweets. There’s no agenda—just space to be curious, contemplative, and in conversation. These Cafes are part of a global movement to demystify and destigmatize death through community dialogue.
Facilitated by a rotating crew of regional volunteers, each Death Cafe is gently held in a spirit of presence and privacy. Our Death Doula in Residence, Laura Lyster-Mensh, represents the Cemetery at these events.
Free to attend. You're welcome to bring something to share—tea, sweets, or a small donation (suggested $5) to support event costs.
Due to space limits, please reserve your seat in advance. To join the waitlist or ask questions, email Laura
DC Death Collective Virtual Check-In
Sunday, July 6, 2025 | 5:00–5:30 PM
Zoom link, no RSVP necessary
A gentle, monthly drop-in. Come say hi. Bring your thoughts, questions, or just your face. Whether you’re knee-deep in this work or quietly circling it, this is a space to connect, reflect, and be in community
Skulls ‘n Scones Potluck Brunch
Saturday, July 19, 2025 | 11:00 AM–1:00 PM
Private Residence, Ashton, MD (address shared upon RSVP to Susan)
A cozy summer brunch where the pastries are sweet, the coffee is hot, and the conversation is about... death. Join us for Skulls ‘n Scones, a relaxed and welcoming gathering for folks who want to explore end-of-life topics in good company.
All are welcome, whether you’re a death worker, grief-tender, or just curious about it all.
Memento Mori Book Club: It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine
Sunday, August 3, 2025 | 6:00–7:00 PM
People’s Book, 7014 Westmoreland Ave Suite A, Takoma Park, MD (RSVP to Ali)
Interested in building community around our shared mortality? Join us every other month for casual, thoughtful conversation about death, dying, grief—and ultimately, life. Guided by rotating readings, these gatherings are hosted by death doula Ali Brill and held in the cozy stacks of People’s Book.